Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
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If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
The internet is magic sometimes.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan