Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
You Might Also Like
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Don’t touch that.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Leftovers are for quitters!
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Match dot com, but for socks.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*