“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either