Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Beware of fowl play.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
The three genders
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️