Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
You Might Also Like
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants