Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you