Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
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if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”