Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does beer think about me too?

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

So that’s what we looked like?

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon