Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse