tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
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*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.