Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
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The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid