Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

My ideal weight is five million dollars

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Ha

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.