They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*