Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack