Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Well, that should do it
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man