Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
This is me
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Go gym
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
