(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Shoo shoo! 😂
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home