(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.