Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
You Might Also Like
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Admin smashed it 😂
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Well, this certainly took a turn
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one