Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS