Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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My dog ate my work from home.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]