Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup