telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
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Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
