Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Mountain Goat : )

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

😭😭😭

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*