[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
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If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
when a toddler tells a story
