Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers