Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.