Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
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For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
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Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
How all things should be taught/explained.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.