Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same