Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.