@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

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@SaltyCorpse

Stranger: You look like you need a hug.

Me: No. That’s just my face.

@ThugRaccoons

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

@praisecheese

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

@junejuly12

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

@djdarrellripley

Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.

@stevevsninjas

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

@rachelle_mandik

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

@jeepwave7

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language