Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”