Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends