telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
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Ah yes. The three genders
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.