Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

john wicks are toilet candles

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Geez man, take it easy.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Morning my dudes.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil