Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.