Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Lmao
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I think this cat is broken
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.