Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
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me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
😭😭😭
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it