Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
I have never related to a cat more
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.