Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
My daily affirmation
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
You have been warned.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
secret recipe
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.