Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

I’m putting together a team

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

Oh my God.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too