Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
This bar smells like my childhood.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.