Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.