Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
O Wise One….
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other