[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
