Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.