[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
