Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion