Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: