Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!