Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more