Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.