Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
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When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
At least try to make it slightly believable
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?