Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.