Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
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I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Okay
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh