Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
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what are they serving at kfc then???
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
*limbos away from your hug*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.