Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

‘I know a black person’

– White people

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.