Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

mechanics be like

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart