Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
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defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.