Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”