Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
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People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I cannot stop laughing at this
A French press is when you hug naked
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
B
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?