Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?