Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
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TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Reporter: *ports again*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Ha
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what