Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

If I ignore life will it go away?

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Don’t snitch tag.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.