Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?