Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak