Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.