Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

Weirdos gonna weird.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.