Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.