Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
You Might Also Like
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors