Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair