Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.