Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
HR said no more nunchucks.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
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